by Colin Zalewski
If you’ve been following this column for any length of time, you’ve noticed a recurring theme: athletes are inexplicably stupid. Now, I try to mix things up every once in a while and give credit to those athletes representing their sport well, but this week it’s just too easy.
Washington Redskins defensive lineman and African American (which will become relevant in a moment) Albert Haynesworth has been indicted on the charge of sexual harassment.
Haynesworth, while enjoying a comfortable meal at a hotel restaurant in Washington D.C., decided he was done with his meal and asked to be charged. His waitress, an African American woman, had her hands full at the time, so Albert decided to slip his credit card into her bra and fondled her breast.
If your jaw’s not already on the floor, get a load of this. When asked about the incident, Haynesworth said he would fight the case, citing that “she is just upset I have a white girlfriend … [I] don’t even like black girls.”
Let me get this straight, Albert, your defense in a case that could cost you as much as six months in jail and $1,000 in fines is that some waitress is upset at your racial preferences in dating partners? I hope at every stadium the Redskins play in this season, there is at least one poster reading: “Albert the racist dragon.”
In the spirit of Albert and his fondling, it’s time to set the record straight once and for all. It’s time for a show-down between the three major sports (MLB, NBA and NFL), for which has the absolute dumbest athletes. The match will be decided via a free-for-all of stupidity between one representative from each sport.
The NFL will be repped by none other than Albert for reasons you now know.
In the NBA corner we’ve got Latrell Sprewell. Sprewell is known for a plethora of off-court legal issues, constant technical fouls and the famous ending of his career when he declined a three-year, $21 million deal from the Timberwolves citing, “I’ve got a family to feed.”
For the MLB we’ve got Barry Bonds. Big Barry wasn’t always big. He’s been insisting for years he is innocent of charges against him regarding steroid use. The story seems to change each time. Whether he didn’t do steroids at all, or he unknowingly did, he just can’t seem to get his story straight. Lastly, Barry Bonds is just pure stupid because he doesn’t think we can all see how steroid-licous he is, and yet he insists on continuing to ruin his life and the integrity of baseball.
So which is the dumbest based on these representatives, MLB, NBA or NFL? Well it depends on whether you’re looking at legal stupidity or personal stupidity. Bonds may have lied to a grand jury, Sprewell is now bankrupt and has several children he can’t support and Haynesworth doesn’t like African American women. I’m literally scratching my head on this one, but I’m going to have to go with Albert. He covers all the bases of stupidity and so does the rest of the NFL.