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Disclaimer: These horoscopes are satirical works written by Grace Uppendahl, associate editor. These are not written by a professional.  

Aries (March 21 – April 19): 

We all know your deep desire to be on top, but you need to take a step back and look away from the mirror. It’s the holiday season; help others and engage with the community. If you need to, find a Pisces to make a bet with — the competition will give you motivation. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): 

December will be challenging. You’re burnt out, but you have got to take care of yourself. The holidays aren’t always easy, so take a bath, have a fun drink, hangout with friends, do something. 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): 

Snap out of it. You are juggling a little too much right now and the double personality jokes are getting more and more annoying. If you can make it through the next two weeks, it will be solely due to the caffeine addiction and your friends. Stop pushing them away and let the little things go.  

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): 

You are finally doing better, and it’s annoying your friends because they aren’t. That sucks for them, don’t let it drag you down. Find some time to go out and help the world, that will also boost your spirits. 

Leo (July 23 – August 22): 

You are fine. Stop saying you are not. You are doing just fine. Chill.  

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): 

You seriously need a break. Go downtown and chill out at a cute café. Then go to the new Lego store. If you don’t like Lego, give them to someone or to the Westminster Christmas tree.  

Libra (September 23 – October 22): 

Your roommates’ conflicts are getting to you more than you can admit. Get out of the house and go hang with other friends. They love and appreciate you, plus they miss you. Go. Now. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): 

Your birthday has passed and now you’re upset that everything isn’t about you. Since we all know you must have the spotlight, go buy some gloves for a warm clothes drive. Then you can have the spotlight again – except, this time, for good reason. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): 

You are currently making it everyone’s problem that you are tired. Go. Take. A. Nap. Eat some food. Then go for a walk. Everything will be better after that. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): 

You are thriving. This is the time in the semester when you are at your best. Performing under pressure, especially academic pressure, is when you thrive. Maybe put some of that unhinged energy towards good… or at least ask a Cancer what to do with it. 

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  

It’s finals. Stop creating new and fun things to do with finals coming up. If you must, find a way to have fun in Spokane… now that’s a challenge.  

Pisces (February 29 – March 20): 

Prepare for academic heartbreak. It’s cold, you won’t be able to write as fast, and you’re having a hard time focusing. Take some time to yourself and take a break. It will be fine.