No matter the caliber of play, I still go broke buying hotdogs

By Colin Zalewski

Some cities breed failure. Have you ever no­ticed how there are a number of teams who are terrible every year, no matter what? (I’m looking at you Buffalo Bills and Golden State Warriors). Furthermore, have you ever noticed that often those same teams that are bad every year are from the same city?

Sports have an inexplicable power to unite a city. I can honestly say, I rank cities I’d like to visit based on the success of the sports teams. Why? Because I know the cities with teams making the playoffs every year have a sense of unity in their ability to rally around one common cause. For example, everyone wants to go to New York. It’s a bustling city, full of a diverse body of jerks, just seeking to ruin your day by stealing your cab. But we know New York is a great place to be because at the heart of every real New Yorker is a Jets fan. Why do you think nobody ever vaca­tions to Kansas City? There’s nothing going on there except for wannabe southern barbecue and the Royals, who are miserable every year. With that in mind, allow me to be your Travel Channel tour guide of the worst sports cities and places in America (on a scale of bad to gag-reflex), where the seats are empty, the winning percentage is always low and a hotdog still costs $8.50.

Bad: Milwaukee. In case you were wondering, nothing good ever happens in Milwaukee. It has no cop or hospital drama shows based there, it’s famous for poor tasting beer and brats (classy) and no good sports teams are present. Led by the MLB Milwaukee Brewers and the NBA Mil­waukee Bucks, we’re talking about a city that’s former poster-boy was “The Alien,” Sam Cassell. However, it hangs onto “bad” status merely be­cause of its close proximity to the great sports town that is Green Bay.

Dismal: Arizona (all of it). Let me start off by saying one name … Carson Palmer. If you’re not laughing already let me mention another … Channing Frye. The entire state of Arizona is a ramshackle (Sorry, Zach Parker.). We’re talking about a state that has had little to no success in the past five years. Yes, the Cards almost won the Super Bowl, but other than that, the Suns are dismal, the D-backs are beyond dismal and what hope there was for the Cards (Anquan Boldin and Kurt Warner) has been traded or retired.

Note: The common denominator between the two teams above is one of most mediocre players in MLB history, known only for his abys­mal batting stance, Craig Counsell.

Horrible: Northern California. There are only two teams keeping Northern California from being number one on this list, the Giants and the San Jose Sharks, both are good. Other than that, you’ve got the Kings and the Golden State Warriors in the NBA, the Raiders and 49ers in the NFL and the Oakland A’s in the MLB. All of those teams are horrible!

Gag-Reflex: Washington D.C. When I think D.C., I think humidity, politicians, dirt and sports teams I honestly cannot believe exist. The Washington Redskins just got done with a poor season, despite great coach Mike Shanahan and overrated quarterback Donovan McNabb (I’d also like to apologize for Dr. Mike Ingram for that statement). The Redskins are bad, but the NBA Wizards are worse and even worse than them are the MLB Nationals. If I had to choose between solving problems in Congress or fixing the sports problems in the nation’s capital, I’m not sure what I’d address first. Simply put, D.C. is the worst sports city in the country.

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