There are three kinds of people in the world: the smoker, the non-smoker, and the poor, conflicted soul caught somewhere in between.

At a place like Whitworth University, there is nothing more uncomfortable and hilarious than the earthshaking collision of these three people. All three claim to be open-minded and operate according to a certain kind of ethic. The non-smoker is a virtue ethicist, asking the ever-important question, “What does it look like to be a good, virtuous person?” On the other hand, the smoker’s open-mindedness is more a biological condition in which the “openness” of their mind is simply an absence of brain cells, which have since been killed off by vapors and chemicals. And then there are the fence-sitters. These folk are the kind-hearted and endearing friends-to-all who don’t want to judge, but want to live fully and meaningfully. It is for you, my blessed ones, that I have created a guide to help you be “in the world, but not of it.” Here are some tips on how to smoke your first cigarette, when the opportunity most surreptitiously arises.

1) DON’T BE A HERO: I’m serious, you guys. It may be embarrassing not to finish the whole thing, but it’s infinitely worse if you end up ralphing all over the place. If you simply can’t continue, just stop inhaling. Puff the smoke only into your mouth, and then make the classic “that’s good stuff” face as you huff it out. No lungs, no problem! No one will even notice.

2) Avoid the smoker’s ledge outside the coffee shop windows: This spot is reserved for PROFESSIONAL SMOKERS ONLY. You don’t want to embarrass yourself. Besides, that spot is judgment city, and is no place for the closet-smoker (no offense).

3) Choose your friends: Be with people you are comfortable with, or people you want to reach out to. Maybe it’s that edgy friend who is rough around the edges, but is really a good guy.

4) Cover your trail: Run home. Don’t talk to anybody. When you get home, tear your clothes off, and throw them in the washer. Brush your teeth, floss and rinse with mouthwash. Febreeze your entire room.

5) Don’t tell anyone who wouldn’t understand: Smoking isn’t bad, right? It’s simply misunderstood. Don’t make the classic mistake of sharing your recent endeavor with a narrow-minded friend or parent, lest you feel the oppressive weight of their clandestine judgment.

Now get out there, you silly geese! A world of new and exciting things awaits for your open mind and willing heart. But don’t be a hero. Trust me.

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